Lighter Side of Life

Date: Thu, 16 May 1996 7:34 p.m.
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
From: Keith Brown

I may not be the writer that a lot of folks are, so bare with me as I am going to try to tell this story. It is a true one about the lighter side of a life.....

As most of you know, my southern sweety and I live about 1200 miles apart. We have been doing this relationship going on two years, now. Communication has NEVER been one of our problems (ask the telephone company...they love us!). During this time we have shared sorrows, laughs, day-to-day, etc., over the medium of the phone, seeing each other only every two-four months. She lives in the panhandle of Florida....out in the far out they pump sunlight to her just to let her know that it's daytime!

A couple of days ago, my SS called me semi-hysterical and told me that there was a mouse on her bed....she screamed that the little critter crapped everywhere and scurried into her nightstand. She stuffed an old pillow, books, wood, a sink, and anything that wasn't nailed down trying to seal in that little almost gerbil (where it was probably having a heart attack). She threatened to sleep in another room until I told her, in view of the fact that she probably had damn near stroked that little gray fur-bearer out, it would probably find a way out of the prison she had made and go to the room she planned to sleep in...only to go through a similar fate again. She decided to take my advice and sleep in her bedroom....WITH the lights on. She told me the following morning that she had a restless night, awaking to what she thought was daylight (at 3:30 am), only to remember that she had left the light on. She turned off the light and slept away.

A little while ago...I hear this totally freaked out gal telling me "There's a snake in my house!!!!!". I tried to control my laughter, but didn't do a real good job of it (which did not help her attitude what-so-ever....I'm sure glad she doesn't cuss!!). Guess where that snake was hiding out? hehehe Yup! You got her bedroom! SS had the assistance of a young lady who was visiting (and says she's not afraid of the creepy crawlers). The young lady (who is, btw, almost 6 foot tall) started looking for that poor little three foot oak (garden) snake. All of a sudden my southern belle (sounding like a freight train hitting a wall) screams "There it is!!!" With that I heard the tiny tyke of 6 feet jump up and on top of the water bed! Mr/Mrs Snake it seems, decided to escape the pursuit of the two damsels by hiding behind the dresser.

My lady has two pot lickers, with the mama dog being half german and half austrian shepherd (70 lbs) and the baby dog having mom's mix and the other half rottwiler (85 lbs at 1 year). She called the dogs in the room. They, being the smart critters they are and knowing that they can not enter her room (another story someday) ran in...sniffed the air, and ran out again with the look of "Gee....ain't we GOOD puppies??!!!" So, that plan failed.

I told my almost GA peach not to will probably find the mouse in there and solve that problem. Well...needless to say, what was to me a possible solution....her reply, in a true southern lady's expression, lead me to believe that the sun wouldn't shine on me for at least an hour or two (and she didn't even cuss!).

The last thing I heard my little sweetheart say..."Maybe it's under the piece of paper behind the dresser." I told her to tell that amazon to get it since she said she's not afraid. When that message was passed on, I heard "Yeah...right" from the bouncing gal on the waterbed. As my SO hung up the phone she was saying "I gotta find someone to get this outta here....I'll call you later."

Ahh, such is the life of distance and living in the country! More news will follow if significant.

Take care,

Date: Thu, 16 May 1996 11:08 p.m.
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
From: Keith Brown

Three phone calls later and I now have a successful update. As of a few minutes ago, I heard a gal laughing and telling me that the slinking slider had been captured! Her son...and her brother-in-law had come to her rescue. They tore her bedroom apart (good thing the water bed is too heavy!) I heard that the racing rascal helped clean out her closet and then tried to duck behind the waterbed only to be frightened by the bearded boy wonder. It tried to make a right and got left in a pillow be dumped somewhere along the roadway. Hummm....maybe Sscreacher will become part of the food chain for a gator!

Lets see....armadillos are common there, but they're too dumb to get into the house (the dogs try to frisk them anyway)....a squirrel...maybe a gator...possible. Well in any case, thissss sssoft ssstory issss at a clossse...until the next fiasco in northern Florida.....

Take care,

Date: Fri, 17 May 1996 12:05 a.m.
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
From: Keith Brown

A followup note from my southern sweety:

I feel that I must defend myself. I was not in total only sounded that way (we will not discuss the now needed roof repairs). However, Keith is probably right...I will not sleep a wink tonight. My son (the bearded boy wonder) has kindly told me that snakes seldom follow the scent of another my fears are in vain. It will be at least another month or so before this scent will "wear off" and another "poor unsuspecting" ssssnnnnnaaakkkeeee will wander into my house. (I sit with bated breath and feet neatly tucked upon my chair)....and ponder the fact that I probably walked all over the wee-beast before it was discovered.

The highlight of my night was listening to my son "talk" to this snake from the bottom of my bedroom closet...."it's ok...they won't hurt you." "Gee, mom...I've seen alot of snakes...but I don't think I've ever seen one so traumatized!" Where upon the scaley serpent raced to another corner of my room which was promptly shredded.

Well....maybe that wasn't exactly the highlight....that might have been when I discovered that the mouse had been in "back" of the nightstand...not the front...the part that I barricaded. (And my brother-in-law proudly pointed out as he stretched the slithering beast it's full length...that it "had no lumps....this guy hasn't eaten a mouse recently.")

The six foot amazon (bearded boy wonder's girlfriend) has agreed to protect me and is spending the night. She now claims, that after having watched the "snake tackle" in action, she can repeat it if needed. (But I must add....her phrase "Gee mom, did you know you have a snake in the house"...spoken calmly with the most genteel southern accent...will forever raise laughter for long as she doesn't point at the same time!)

The only good thing I can say is that we are so tired (and hoarse) from tonight's activities...well...we just MIGHT be able to sleep a few winks!


Date: Fri, 17 May 1996 9:39 am
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
From: Keith Brown

One more follow-up. This is from her sister:

The brother-in-law brought the snake home! He swept into the family room and plopped the pillowcase-wrapped crawler onto teenage son's lap, who promptly swept it off. Having felt the brunt of his dad's practical jokes for years, he didn't believe there was anything in the bag. When he realized the snake was **still** in there, he scurried to another room!

Being the sister of the hysterical victim, I felt I had to repair the damage done to our reputations by said hysterics, so I bravely peeked into the bag. And then closed it back up. (It was looking at me!!!)

We released the snake into the woods behind the house....and I locked the doors.